At length I pulled up and drew breath.
Was it not, after all, a matter of perfect indifference to me what such a
policeman said? Yes; but one couldn't stand everything. Right enough, I
interrupted myself; but he knew no better. And I found this argument
satisfactory. I repeated twice to myself, "He knew no better"; and with
that I returned again.
"Good Lord!" thought I, wrathfully, "what things you do take into your
head: running about like a madman through the soaking wet streets on dark
nights." My hunger was now tormenting me excruciatingly, and gave me no
rest. Again and again I swallowed saliva to try and satisfy myself a
little; I fancied it helped.
I had been pinched, too, for food for ever so many weeks before this last
period set in, and my strength had diminished considerably of late. When I
had been lucky enough to raise five shillings by some manoeuvre or another
they only lasted any time with difficulty; not long enough for me to be
restored to health before a new hunger period set in and reduced me again.
My back and shoulders caused me the worst trouble. I could stop the little
gnawing I had in my chest by coughing hard, or bending well forward as I
walked, but I had no remedy for back and shoulders. Whatever was the
reason that things would not brighten up for me? Was I not just as much
entitled to live as any one else? for example, as Bookseller Pascha or
Steam Agent Hennechen? Had I not two shoulders like a giant, and two
strong hands to work with? and had I not, in sooth, even applied for a
place as wood-chopper in Moellergaden in order to earn my daily bread? Was
I lazy? Had I not applied for situations, attended lectures, written
articles, and worked day and night like a man possessed? Had I not lived
like a miser, eaten bread and milk when I had plenty, bread alone when I
had little, and starved when I had nothing? Did I live in an hotel? Had I
a suite of rooms on the first floor? Why, I am living in a loft over a
tinker's workshop, a loft already forsaken by God and man last winter,
because the snow blew in.
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