I was not unconscious; I felt that my ear was gathering a little, and, as
an acquaintance passed by, I recognized him at once and got up and bowed.
What sore of fresh, painful perception was this that was being added to
the rest? Was it a consequence of sleeping in the sodden fields, or did it
arise from my not having had any breakfast yet? Looking the whole thing
squarely in the face, there was no meaning in living on in this manner, by
Christ's holy pains, there wasn't. I failed to see either how I had made
myself deserving of this special persecution; and it suddenly entered my
head that I might just as well turn rogue at once and go to my "Uncle's"
with the blanket. I could pawn it for a shilling, and get three full
meals, and so keep myself going until I thought of something else. 'Tis
true I would have to swindle Hans Pauli. I was already on my way to the
pawn-shop, but stopped outside the door, shook my head irresolutely, then
turned back. The farther away I got the more gladsome, ay, delighted I
became, that I had conquered this strong temptation. The consciousness
that I was yet pure and honourable rose to my head, filled me with a
splendid sense of having principle, character, of being a shining white
beacon in a muddy, human sea amidst floating wreck.
Pawn another man's property for the sake of a meal, eat and drink one's
self to perdition, brand one's soul with the first little scar, set the
first black mark against one's honour, call one's self a blackguard to
one's own face, and needs must cast one's eyes down before one's self?
Never! never! It could never have been my serious intention--it had really
never seriously taken hold of me; in fact, I could not be answerable for
every loose, fleeting, desultory thought, particularly with such a
headache as I had, and nearly killed carrying a blanket, too, that
belonged to another fellow.
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